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:deviation:
 


I feel it.

The darkness creeping upon us,
That same greedy thing,
That will never leave me in peace,
I can’t find it,
The tranquility I used to feel…

KILL ME!

Sometimes, in my mind,
These thoughts are fading away,
Losing the battle,
With such dominance,
A powerful darkness.

Butterflies…

One day they fly,
The next, they die,
I don’t know why,
They live a lie.

Until they…

Stop!

No, I should have stopped this long ago,
Such nightmarish daydreaming,
Letting myself be taken in,
By the shattered illusion,
Surrounding my dreams,
Trapping me in the sun,
To wither.

I will never surrender.

The sparkling, opalescent torture,
Such poetic justice,
Makes me strive to be different,
A strange and unknown creature,
Haunts the other side,
Of the mirror that hangs on my wall.

I’m giving in…
Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
:iconkalinereine:

Author's Comments

This is weird... :shrug:

Critiques


:iconkelsall-l4j:
this is certainly a poem that requires reading out loud.
i love how it's separated into the different paces, it truly emphasises the mental struggle being described.
what would have been good was if you would have each stanza based on the different stages of grief...
but yes i must say i do love this. it has a definite power behind it and the imagery created by it would creates a beautifully morbid picture in my mind. the vocabulary used within the poem is very well used to create just the right amount of impact to get the point and desperation across.
very well done
(oh and apologies but this is my first ever critique)
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

Thank you for your Critique

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Comments


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:iconendlesssalvation:
very nice flow, it allows people to be drawn into it and demands their attention. and gives a point of view into your own psyche, showing people the views and emotions that flow within you. i like how much emotion you poured into it to, even if you say you wrote it without thinking it still has meaning :P

:)

--
:dance::dance::dance::dance::dance::dance::dance::dance:

Poetry comes from the soul, by writing, you allow those who will never know you, see pieces that even you can't see.

:dance::dance::dance::dance::dance::dance::dance::dance:
:iconkalinereine:
Thanks, I really tried to make it more artistic and more about the real me instead of about what people WANT to see. It has more raw, unfocused emotion. It's like I wasn't trying to form complete thoughts, but partial glimpses of them instead. When you put small glimpses of a person together, it creates an overall picture. It lets people put them together more in their way, and everyone will put it together differently. But all poetry is like that. I just didn't bother to finish my sentences or keep going with it.

I took your advice about dragging things on for too long. A part of me wonders where this one would have went if I had kept writing it. But I stopped when I felt like it was done, rather than to just keep writing because it "seemed right".

--
...but with more buttsecks!

"Do you know why love hurts? ...So we can kiss it better." :heart:

"Caution... Objects in heart are closer than they appear."

-k.R.
:iconendlesssalvation:
it is very artistic and very poetic and yes you should do what makes you feel happy or what you know s right to write about. never write what you think people will like, only from your soul and heart. and im glad you took my advice it, this poem came out really good

--
:dance::dance::dance::dance::dance::dance::dance::dance:

Poetry comes from the soul, by writing, you allow those who will never know you, see pieces that even you can't see.

:dance::dance::dance::dance::dance::dance::dance::dance:
:iconsweetsadbliss:
Wow this is amazing! I love the way you worded it, nicely done.
:iconkalinereine:
Thanks... :heart: I appreciate it, thanks for reading.

--
...but with more buttsecks!

"Do you know why love hurts? ...So we can kiss it better." :heart:

"Caution... Objects in heart are closer than they appear."

-k.R.
:iconinechisan:
:iconcriesplz: stupid butterflies gozaimasu

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[link] TABLE SAMA IZ LORD MY GOD IS GOD COZ I SAYZ SO!!!FUCK J00 で ござる よ!!!:rage:

randomness touched me in a bad place :fear:
:iconmeepdasheep:
This is very good. The way you put these feelings into words is very powerful and vivid. I really really liked the last stanza. It describes the feeling of living in darkness perfectly...I know what you mean! :hug:

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:penguin:
:iconkitsuneko-xenon:
Haha, weird maybe, but definitely well-written ;p

--
:peace:

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May 18
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